CSI wannabe

i meant it when i told my housemates i was not afraid and worried. but as night falls and i sit at my desk trying to study, fear starts to creep in. and behold, my favourite radio program is playing the song 'live like u were dying'.

went for my annual health examination and the doc found a growth where it is not supposed to be. ok, dun panic and scramble to tell my folks. of course, appointment has been set for further examination. truly, i'm glad to find out early no matter what it is. on the other hand, my belief seems to be coming true.

i've always asked why the best thing that ever happened to me was taken away. and now, no matter how hard i tried and what i do, nothing seems to be happening. just when i thought something good is on it's way, it turns out not to be.

**(side story) small frustrations, big disappointments... i was so fed-up that i ended up crying when i talked to KL on the phone last sunday. i felt so 'sick' the next day that for the first time, i skipped classes on Monday. i just refused to get out of bed. **

coming back, the only reason i can find for all these to be happening (or not happening for that matter) is that, maybe i am dying soon. there is therefore no reason for any good things to happen to me. why put someone else in my life knowing full well that i will only bring him down when i go? in this sense, god is fair - to the other person, at least.

ok ok... i know what you guys want to say. anyway, this pile of BS is abviously a manifestation of my inner fear. i'm human afterall, though still optimistic. hey, my cancer marker test every year shows negative result. so i should be good. but the doc also said that the growth IS quite BIG. oops...

hopefully is it just fats that have lost their way in my body.....