Monday, March 06, 2006
Depression
i can never understand how anyone could slip into depression so easily - until it happened to me.
yes, it is like an addiction. once you've experienced it, your brain can so easily give up as soon as something bad hit you. i mean, it takes alot to remain positive under adverse circumstances. when nothing seems to be going right, it is very difficult to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. everything is just so hopeless and the feeling of helplessness is so real and intense.
what easier way to react than to give up on yourself - hide at home, refusing to do anything (for nothing you do would improve the situation). for me, i don't even bother to eat. because, i lost all motivation to cook. even if i tried to put something in my mouth, they tasted horrible and i hate to force it down my throat.
really, it is so so easy to just give up. i barely ate a decent meal over 5 days and i care less about anything. i only wanted to stay home after class and rot in front of the tv. the funny thing was, my objective mind kept reminding myself that i have to stand up and get going. the more time i spent rotting, the worse the situation is going to be. if i don't even want to help myself, why would i expect anyone else to???? i hated myself for being in the state of depression. i hated the helpless feeling and i know objectively that i have to get out of it.
but it is easier said than done. everyone asked me to have faith. i told all of them to cut the crap. the only thing that eventually picked me up, is the thought that the longer i stay depressed, the longer i'll remain in the shit. so, why don't i try getting out of it? at least if i try doing something, i have a chance of making things better. if i continue to hide, i will never find the way out. i don't know when and if things will get better. but i know that if i don't do something about it, it never will. that's a damn simple logic that i'm glad i still see!!!
yes, it is like an addiction. once you've experienced it, your brain can so easily give up as soon as something bad hit you. i mean, it takes alot to remain positive under adverse circumstances. when nothing seems to be going right, it is very difficult to believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel. everything is just so hopeless and the feeling of helplessness is so real and intense.
what easier way to react than to give up on yourself - hide at home, refusing to do anything (for nothing you do would improve the situation). for me, i don't even bother to eat. because, i lost all motivation to cook. even if i tried to put something in my mouth, they tasted horrible and i hate to force it down my throat.
really, it is so so easy to just give up. i barely ate a decent meal over 5 days and i care less about anything. i only wanted to stay home after class and rot in front of the tv. the funny thing was, my objective mind kept reminding myself that i have to stand up and get going. the more time i spent rotting, the worse the situation is going to be. if i don't even want to help myself, why would i expect anyone else to???? i hated myself for being in the state of depression. i hated the helpless feeling and i know objectively that i have to get out of it.
but it is easier said than done. everyone asked me to have faith. i told all of them to cut the crap. the only thing that eventually picked me up, is the thought that the longer i stay depressed, the longer i'll remain in the shit. so, why don't i try getting out of it? at least if i try doing something, i have a chance of making things better. if i continue to hide, i will never find the way out. i don't know when and if things will get better. but i know that if i don't do something about it, it never will. that's a damn simple logic that i'm glad i still see!!!
# posted by nic @ 12:01 AM 
