Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Life Sucks
Since I got to the US, while experiencing the new life, I’ve been trying to see that this is a blessing -if not for SL’s departure, I wouldn’t be enjoying myself here. I tried to tell myself that this is something ‘better’. All the challenges and setbacks that I experienced, I tried to see it as a learning opportunity – that I would be a better and stronger person.
2 years have passed. True, I’ve done stuff that I otherwise could not. I am grateful. I do not regret making the decision to leave S'pore. But is it ‘better’? I always thought that one day, I will go up to SL to thank him for making the decision to leave. But till this day, I cannot see it coming, especially now that he is happily married and just promoted to being a new father.
Is my life better? Am I happier? No. Life is just different. There are other reasons why I would not return to s’pore in the near future. I feel more relieved here, that’s for sure, but I am not any happier. I’ve tried very hard, these past 2 years, to look at the good things so that I feel happy and conclude that life is better. But truthfully, I have not been very successful. I may appear so in my emails/phone calls to people back home. Can I show otherwise? Because, the next thing people will tell me is ‘then you should come back’. Screw you. Going back to s’pore will not make it better or make me happier.
Yes, I am still blaming God/SL/myself for landing me in this state. I blame myself for not being a good partner to SL. I blame SL for not honoring his promises. I blame God for putting all these obstacles in my life, and leaving me in the lurch. I had SL’s departure thrown at my face, without a chance to make good the situation. I was forced to accept his departure even though I participated in the decision to come together. I cannot understand the logic. Now, he is enjoying the fruit of his decision while I suffer under it. Am I repaying for 'torturing him' (as he put it)? How long is this going to last?
I have been a very positive and optimistic person all my life. Nothing could dampen my spirit by and large. I bounced back from being upset almost instantly. But these days, nothing can make me feel happy or good very long. Even Pat’s visit did minimum repair. What exactly is going on?
Don’t tell me that I am better off than the homeless, the malnutrition kid, the sick and the dying. I know I have warm clothes to wear, decent food and a roof over my head. I know I won’t freeze to death during winter. I am grateful. So I should be contended and happy? Please, I am at the higher level of Maslow’s need hierarchy – so are you. I will treasure what I have. But does that mean that I cannot long for more? Before you answer, look at yourself. Are you not hoping to buy a better car, make more $$ or long for more satisfaction in your job?
Life sucks.
2 years have passed. True, I’ve done stuff that I otherwise could not. I am grateful. I do not regret making the decision to leave S'pore. But is it ‘better’? I always thought that one day, I will go up to SL to thank him for making the decision to leave. But till this day, I cannot see it coming, especially now that he is happily married and just promoted to being a new father.
Is my life better? Am I happier? No. Life is just different. There are other reasons why I would not return to s’pore in the near future. I feel more relieved here, that’s for sure, but I am not any happier. I’ve tried very hard, these past 2 years, to look at the good things so that I feel happy and conclude that life is better. But truthfully, I have not been very successful. I may appear so in my emails/phone calls to people back home. Can I show otherwise? Because, the next thing people will tell me is ‘then you should come back’. Screw you. Going back to s’pore will not make it better or make me happier.
Yes, I am still blaming God/SL/myself for landing me in this state. I blame myself for not being a good partner to SL. I blame SL for not honoring his promises. I blame God for putting all these obstacles in my life, and leaving me in the lurch. I had SL’s departure thrown at my face, without a chance to make good the situation. I was forced to accept his departure even though I participated in the decision to come together. I cannot understand the logic. Now, he is enjoying the fruit of his decision while I suffer under it. Am I repaying for 'torturing him' (as he put it)? How long is this going to last?
I have been a very positive and optimistic person all my life. Nothing could dampen my spirit by and large. I bounced back from being upset almost instantly. But these days, nothing can make me feel happy or good very long. Even Pat’s visit did minimum repair. What exactly is going on?
Don’t tell me that I am better off than the homeless, the malnutrition kid, the sick and the dying. I know I have warm clothes to wear, decent food and a roof over my head. I know I won’t freeze to death during winter. I am grateful. So I should be contended and happy? Please, I am at the higher level of Maslow’s need hierarchy – so are you. I will treasure what I have. But does that mean that I cannot long for more? Before you answer, look at yourself. Are you not hoping to buy a better car, make more $$ or long for more satisfaction in your job?
Life sucks.
# posted by nic @ 4:29 PM 
