CSI wannabe

It's Memorial Day. A day to honour those fallen during wars the US fought.

Mixed feeling - for someone who wanted a military career so much and has a dear brother serving in the military..... strange.....

whatever the cause, i can only salute those who fought and sacrificed for what they believed in, during their call of duty.

to our own men and women serving as peace corps around the world, i also take the opportunity to say that i have always been very proud of you. not many people have what it takes to do what you guys are doing. as they say over here, freedom is not free - it is possible because of someone else's sacrifice.

This blog is dedicated to CM

1st, thank you for being an avid supporter of my blog, for actually reading it with your heart.

Next, it was very very good to see you recently and all the good food your uncle’s family whipped up. Rest assured that I’ll pray for Uncle. Will certainly check them out soon. And let me tell you, it was also an experience for me to be there at your race. Seeing you and all the participants put in the best to get to the finish line – is very encouraging.

Now, let’s get down to business. Carol and I kinda ‘talked’ about you 2 days ago. I want you to know that we both hope that you are well since going back home. We didn’t quite get the chance to talk while you were here and that’s a pity. On the other hand, I hope Boon did the job to cheer you up while u guys were hanging out.

My dear friend, I hope the invisible baggage you carried while you were here is getting lighter. One of the reason we both hit off the day you joined PD was that we were both going thru’ a similar phase in life then. And I am glad to tell you that things are finally coming to a close for me. I have moved on in my life already, I dare say. My mindset is quite different now. I see life from a different perspective. It was a humbling experience and I now cherish (conscientiously) all that I have. I try to be happy every minute of my life coz I think I was sad for too long a time. Life is still not all that great (u know what I mean, ha ha ha). But it is definitely better than the past 3 years.

My friend, I dun intend to tell you what to do. I am not qualified. All I can say is, love yourself above all, but never at the expense of others. Also, love your family and all those who stood by you when you needed them. Whoever you decide to go with, be honest to yourself and choose with your heart and mind. Remember, hurt no one, including yourself. It is never about saving face. If your think C is the one, then dun wait. But if you are not sure, take your time to think but dun leave J hanging aimlessly. It is not something she deserves.

Having said all these, please stay happy – that’s what you deserve, no matter what!!

Verbal constipation again - u must be thinking.

Not really - literally no time to shit!

CM came and gone during the first 2 weeks of May. the first week he was here coincided with my 1st mid-term exams. crazy schedule - wanted to hangout with him and yet had to study.

then came my move to my new place. thanks to all my buddies - without them i would never have got all the things set up - my (ex) housemates just 'dumped' all the things to me, last minute. while i am thankful that i am now very well equipped with all their high quality gadgets, they were a pain to move at the 11th hour before the lease expired.

and just as i settled down in the new place, it's time for my 2nd mid-term and report submission. there was basically no time to take a breather.

Mum called this afternoon and was surprised that i was home on a saturday afternoon. i told her that i just wanted to stay at home and rot. i love my new place alot. yes, by the look of it, i am no starving student anymore. u won't believe what i have now. Tap kept saying that i am 'richer' than him...... :<

though it is a studio, but it came with a balcony - good for me to dry my clothes (save on the bloody drier!!). the carpet is thick and nice - feels really good cos that at the old place sucked. my quality of life improved with a microwave oven for i get hot food in seconds. i can watch all the tv i wanted now as i inherited the combo TV set of my ex-housemate (no longer need to watch DVD on my computer - the TV comes with a built-in player). My housemate gave me their mini compo too... so my laptop is solely for work now - no need to multi-task anymore.

then, there are all the drawer sets and cabinets that they couldn't get rid of - i took them of course.... otherwise, they end up in the junkyard. i'm serious, they actually dumped all the new and good stuff away. even Tap n CM picked up things they could use - new suitcase, a box of monopoly, tons of hangers, DVDs. Not to mention the pillows, stuff toys and food - yes, fruits and juice that they couldn't finish.... oh, the cutlery sets, pots and pans.... u won't believe the stuff they have and wanted to throw away..... i am almost, if not better, equipped than in my own place back in sin (i didn't even have a microwave oven and DVD player then!!)

If only HY come now - not only she can celebrate our birthdays together (like we have been doing for the past 17 years), they would be so much more comfy.

sure, i have to thank my lucky star. but i feel really bad. i feel that i am enjoying all these at the expense of my housemates. i really wished that they manage to sell all the stuff and bring the $$ back with them. now i feel so indebted to them.... i mean the quality of my life improved so tremendously without me having to pay a single cent (ok, the expensive dinner i bought them can't really count.... i would still buy them dinner without all these).

well, i guess for the friendship that i extended to them during the past months, i should feel less 'guilty'. i did befriend them with sincerity from the bottom of my heart and treated them like my family, and will continue to do so by keeping them in my thoughts and prayers.

still the same wish for them - to be happy at home!!

huh? Golf (club)? eh... yeah, kinda.... it's also the title of a south korean movie that i caught recently.

to my movie buddies back home, i do attend film fests, still part of my 'ritual'. so u guys can rest assure that i won't lose my sanity!!

let me attempt to summarise the movie plot before sharing my thoughts.

it's about a young college student who distributes restaurant flyers (to households in the neighbourhood) part-time. He has this 'habit' of sneaking into the empty houses he come across and make himself really at home - sleeping on the owners' bed, watching TV, even eating food from the fridge. but in return, he tidies the houses, washes the owners' clothes and even help fix whatever is broken in the house. one day, an empty house (or so he thought) that he entered has an abused wife who ended up leaving with him. As they go around 'enjoying' other's house, they even helped buried a neglected father who died without anyone knowing. Eventually, they were caught. Our hero was put in jail while the abused wife returned to the husband.

ok, my summary is probably doing the film an injustice, big time. it seems so 'pointless' - what exactly is the film about? has it anything to do with golf?

golf (balls and club) - yes, it is the instrument of violence in the movie. when our hero decided to teach the abusive husband a lesson, he whacked a couple of golf balls right into his (the husband) balls (Ouch!!), using a 3 iron. the husband later took revenge doing the same thing after bribing the police to take matter into his own hands.

so what is the movie trying to depict? my 2 cent worth -

1. our hero goes round fixing things in the houses he found broken, including the relationship between the husband and wife, and the unfilal children and the neglected father, although this was too late.

2. the whole 'concept' of the college kid sneaking into empty houses and making himself comfortable - a sense of escapism... isn't this something that is in all of us? that's why we love movies that have 'live happily ever after' ending.

3. when our hero visited the battered wife though he was supposed to be in jail, it brings out this whole phenomenon of real vs virtual. what is it that is real in our lives? aren't many things a matter of perception - how we (choose to) see them?

4. when in jail, the college kid constantly tried to 'hide' from the prison guard; leaving him so paranoid that the prisoner has escaped. the guard would hit our hero very hard for playing such tricks. this clearly showed his sense of insecurity. He should have confident that it was not possible for the kid to escape. yet, each time when the prisoner cannot be spotted thru' the door window, he got worried. seeing the guard panic each time only excited our hero to come up with more innovative ways of 'hiding'. a metaphor that presents the fears in us - most of the time unfounded. if only we have a grasp of the big picture, we should be confident. otherwise, the fear manifests.

the last 5 -10 min of the movie - is the gist of it for me. though somewhat funny, it brings out the whole profound question of what does 'living' means to each one of us.

you will appreciate this movie much more after thinking about it. thanks to my fren who watched with me. the fact that we talked about it after that let me saw beyond the plain view.

if it starts screening back home, go catch it. it's cool.

Did anyone catch the finale of the Amazing Race?

Boy, the winners are sooooo deserving. and those who lost, they deserved it too. Clearly, mean people will not be rewarded.

that's what i liked about the show - as much as you see teams with poor sportsmanship, there are always participants who bring out the best in human spirit. and when the deserving teams win, i am just soo full of hope that the world is a beautiful place!!!

the winners were lagging behind during so many segments of the race, and it seemed that they would just lose it anytime. but the couple encouraged each other, stayed positive, pressed on, believing that there was still hope... and there they go - making it and bringing out the the best in themselves too!!

thanks to my housemates for 'allowing' me to watch it on their TV!!

this is dedicated to Norman, wishing that you fulfill your wish to see the world by the time you turn 80!!

such music to my ears when you recently said that you dream of setting foot on every country on earth before you die.

it was my dream, once, too. but so much has changed that these days, i dare to dream no more.....

it was our goal to take at least 1 vacation each year, so that i get to see the whole world by the time i die (at a respectable age).

we trekked Nepal in 95, enjoyed sunny phuket and dazzling HK in 96, backpacked (part of) europe in 97, visited the land of smile (bangkok) in 98. i went down under (see kangaroos) in 99. year 2000 was a crazy year - our vacation was suspended because the whole country was on standby for the millemium bug attack!! spent 5 weeks in US in 2001, doing all the dare-devil stuff....

with minimum luggage but tons of emotional baggage, i travelled 2 major cities in china alone in 2002. thanks to HY, we waltz into vienna (+ other parts of austria) and germany in 2003. for 2004, the soul searching trip to Bali did me some good and I made a decision to come to the bay area.

i am supposed to have visited vietnam, cambodia and NZ by now. Alaska was on our list too. I had wanted to see the arctic before 35. But with mid-life fast approaching, i dun see this happening at all. it was also part of the plan to check out many, if not all, of the national parks in the US - smoky mountains, yellowstone, etc. oh, there was plan to go back to Nepal, because i wanted sooo much to trek to Everest Base Camp. From Nepal, we should head towards Bhutan and Tibet. I also wanted to visit the vast grassland of Mongolia.....

so what's stopping me? the truth is, i dun like to travel alone. the china experience was horrible. i mean, the place and everything else was great. but i 'enjoyed' the trip alone and hated every bit of it. sure, I met people along the way, hangout n had fun. but it was all too superficial.

i often wonder if i ever will get the chance to continue chasing this dream......

i wanted so much to hear his voice, talk to him. but all i got was the stupid voice mail.

was it just fireworks, with only instant explosion of splendor.... then only darkness....?

did i try too hard?

if there is god and god is almighty, why bother to let him appear knowing full well that he will only turn away? you mean what i went thru' is not enough? what's this for?

there is so much that i want to share with him - my fear, my thoughts, bizarre stuff i read on the papers... but i dun dare to call....

is this another case of mis-match? c'mon, not again....

someone i thought i could connect, but only at my end.... ?

god, eh... cupid... can you pls aim properly before u shoot the next time? make sure you zero your bow & arrows ok? don't miss the other person!!! .... i'll be badly injured if you continue this way....


**if u think i am referring to you.... YES!! it's REAL .... I dun have the 'balls' to tell you directly....
by writing this, i'd probably be screwed big time.... but either way i'm done for..... :(

i meant it when i told my housemates i was not afraid and worried. but as night falls and i sit at my desk trying to study, fear starts to creep in. and behold, my favourite radio program is playing the song 'live like u were dying'.

went for my annual health examination and the doc found a growth where it is not supposed to be. ok, dun panic and scramble to tell my folks. of course, appointment has been set for further examination. truly, i'm glad to find out early no matter what it is. on the other hand, my belief seems to be coming true.

i've always asked why the best thing that ever happened to me was taken away. and now, no matter how hard i tried and what i do, nothing seems to be happening. just when i thought something good is on it's way, it turns out not to be.

**(side story) small frustrations, big disappointments... i was so fed-up that i ended up crying when i talked to KL on the phone last sunday. i felt so 'sick' the next day that for the first time, i skipped classes on Monday. i just refused to get out of bed. **

coming back, the only reason i can find for all these to be happening (or not happening for that matter) is that, maybe i am dying soon. there is therefore no reason for any good things to happen to me. why put someone else in my life knowing full well that i will only bring him down when i go? in this sense, god is fair - to the other person, at least.

ok ok... i know what you guys want to say. anyway, this pile of BS is abviously a manifestation of my inner fear. i'm human afterall, though still optimistic. hey, my cancer marker test every year shows negative result. so i should be good. but the doc also said that the growth IS quite BIG. oops...

hopefully is it just fats that have lost their way in my body.....

we often tell people not to lie to kids. they will remember that you have promised them something. on the other hand, as adults, we say promises are meant to be broken when things don't work out. is there some logic to this????

i may not be the top student in school. but i'm certainly not stupid. if i could read the whole political game in office and still managed to stay out of it, i must be quite smart right?

am i naive then? am i too trusting then? the whole screw-up with SL didn't turn me into a cynic - is that something to cheer about? some will say that i'd be asking for it if i haven't learn my lesson.

i mean, what is wrong with trusting people around me? what is wrong with believing in people whom i'd consider friends? or to begin with, i should not treat people i meet as frens, unless proven so? maybe that's why i need a real crisis to realise that i did have a bunch of fair-weathered ones. but by then, i'm already hurt.

no, i'm not here to lament on the things that went wrong with SL. but i just wonder how is it that after such a hard lesson, i can still be so naive about the world - still believing that it is made up of wonderful people, and that people around me are real sincere folks????

i've always thought that people will reciprocate with the same level of sincerely if i start by doing so - i can hear u laughing - so maybe i do deserve it by being so naive.